Intimacy is something foreign to me. Honestly I don’t like people getting to close to me. I feel like once they know me I won’t be good enough or be judged or just having this fear of being known. If people know me they can hurt me, If people know me they can use me. If people know me they can take advantage of me. I didn’t ever give myself a chance to get to know intimacy, I would run away first at the first sign of it. I would reject people first. I would hurt people first. I would use them first. I didn’t know any of other way to live. I was severely confused and lacking a lot.
People would get intimate with me first then leave me. Share emotions and deep feelings with me in private then in public discard me. Pretend like we were that close. There is a lot of past wounds that have revealed themselves to me recently. Wounds that needed serious healing and taking care of. Allowing God to do that has been a struggle that I didn’t realize I was wrestling with so much. I thought because I had the peace, love, joy, mercy and grace what more do I need? I need to be known. I need to be heard. I need to be understood,. I need to allow myself to grow in intimacy so I may have functional, healthy, and loving relationships with people.
It all starts with God. He already knows me, I don’t know why I act like he doesn’t already know. He is just waiting for me to share with him, share my life with others, trust him and love like never before. Just to sit in that place in the spirit and feel the presence of God. I will have more of everything then I already do and it will be more beautiful. I have experienced lately just how much I feel complete by that intimacy.